All of us have been impacted, to some degree or another, by technologies ever present place in our lives. Some of this impact has been good. Children can connect more easily with their grandparents. We can quickly research topics, gathering information from anywhere in the world. And more people can, more easily, access the physical and mental health care they need.
We have all experienced some of the negative impacts as well. Children learning the skill of Fortnite over other skills. Technology getting in the way of our face to face interactions, and ultimately our connections with, those we care about. We are swimming upstream everyday against the constant flow of distraction and its impacting our abilities to get things done.
Clearly there are some benefits to technology. But what can we do if the harmful aspects of technology are becoming, or perhaps already are, a problem?
The answer is to practice these five things.
5 Tasks for Stopping Unwanted Tech Use
As I’ve discussed in previous blog posts, we have developed technology overuse habits. It’s not our fault. Over the past 15 years mobile internet connected devices crept into nearly every aspect of our lives while we were not looking. And we are only now beginning to learn about the downsides.
In previous posts I have also walked through how habitual behaviors are developed. So now, I want to spend a bit of time discussing how to deconstruct those habits and regain the parts of our lives, and ourselves, that are missing.
We must do these five things.
Develop capacity to cope with internal distress (i.e., urge surfing).
Address the underlying psychological needs driving the behavior.
Cultivate intrinsic motivation for behavior change.
Make lifestyle changes, including a new self-image.
Recruit social support.
1. Surfing the Urge
“Urge surfing” is the process of noticing and observing the physiological sensations in the body when a compulsive urge arises. Typically, when an urge arises one of two things happen. Either, we react by giving in to the urge or we “fight” to resist. We grit our teeth and use good old will power. The problem is, when we fight against the urge, the urge fights back. The more we “fight” it, the more we in turn think about how much we want it. And, the urge gets stronger and stronger until we finally give in. Okay. Just this one last time. Our mind rationalizes the behavior only to come back later flooding us with feelings of regret.
Urge surfing, on the other hand, suggests that rather than “fighting” the urge we simply observe it. The simple fact is all experiences are impermanent. All sensations, feelings, and thoughts have a beginning and an end. So, the urge will not last forever. In fact, if we simply take a dispassionate stance and observe the qualities of the urge (e.g., where is it located, what does it feel like, what is its intensity, what other qualities does it possess, and how are those qualities shifting). We do not feed it with thoughts of our craving or aversion. We simply watch it and, when we do, it naturally fades away, typically in a matter of minutes.
2. Addressing Underlying Psychological Needs
Urge surfing provides us with the help we need in the moment of a craving, and over time those cravings start to lose their power. However, we must also keep in mind that our habitual behaviors are likely serving us in some way and when it comes to problem tech use there is an underlying psychological need being met. These typically include our need for connection, our need for control, and/or our need for accomplishment.
Need for connection - we are driven to connect with others as a core feature of human biology (e.g., isolation is experienced as physical pain)
Need for control - we are also driven to have control over our own lives (and environments) and make decisions that bring us a sense of predictability
Need for accomplishment - we have a biological need to achieve goals, experience a sense of competence, and feel appreciated by others for our contributions
We spend far too much time on social media or playing multiplayer online games because of our need for connection. And without it, we feel bored and lonely. We continuously check our email and quickly respond to every work text, all hours of the day, to gain some control over the never-ending flood of demands and the stress it causes. We monitor our “likes” on social media and push on through the next level of our game to feel a sense of accomplishment and fuel our self-worth.
Eliminating a problem behavior, however, does not eliminate the underlying psychological need. And if we do not address it, the unwanted behavior will persist, or another will take its place. So, we must recognize the underlying need and address it head on. What relationships need your attention? What boundaries to you need to set up between work and home? What are the wins in your life you need to celebrate? What is that thing that is getting in the way of you feeling alright? And what does it need from you right now?
3. Building and Sustaining Motivation
Bill Miller and Stephen Rollnick developed a therapeutic approach to behavior change called Motivational Interviewing. This approach, first applied to problem alcohol use and later found effective across a wide spectrum of problem behaviors, is based on the notion that once an individual experiences a “need” for change and possesses a sense that “I know I can do this”, changes in the problem behavior naturally arise. And I would bet that if you were to think of a time in your life when you made a major change, these ingredients were there. The Motivational Interviewing community of practitioners often use the acronym DARN-C to describe these elements.
D: Desire (wanting to change)
A: Ability (sense of efficacy in making change happen)
R: Reason (reasons for making the change)
N: Need (more than just wanting, but sensing a “need” for change)
C: Commitment (making a full-throated commitment to change)
So, ask yourself, what about this change is so important for you and why? How will life be better once this change happens? What is the worst of it if it does not change? What gives you the confidence that you can see it through? Who can support you in doing this? What is one small thing you can do now to move in the direction of change? How might you hold yourself accountable for doing it?
4. A New You
Long-term changes in behavior are accompanied by a change in self-image. We simply no longer identify with the behavior and our description of our relationship to the behavior changes. Self-descriptions change from “action” language (i.e., what you do or don’t do) to “being” language (i.e., who you are). As examples, rather than saying, “I try not to spend so much time of social media” we say, “I’m not someone who spends time of social media.” Other examples might be, “I’m someone who enjoys face to face interaction over social media” or “I like to be fully present with people and social media is a distraction from real life.” You simply no longer identify as someone who engages in those behaviors anymore. One thing you can do now is be mindful of the language that you use. Imagine the person you aim to be and describe yourself in those terms. Even better, start sharing your new self-image with others.
5. Recruiting Support
As I have discussed in previous blog posts, external triggers can be powerful in influencing our behaviors. If I do not want to eat cookies, it is a lot harder to hold to that commitment if there is a pack of cookies sitting on the countertop. I will be a lot more successful if they just are not there in the first place. Our environment, however, also includes the people in it. Am I surrounding me with people offering me cookies? Or people offering me other, healthier, alternatives?
So, as we replace unwanted behaviors with more desirable ones, it is important that we keep company with people who know, understand, and support our new self-image. And, we need to limit environmental triggers that increase the likelihood of unwanted behaviors and surround ourselves with triggers that reinforce the new, desired ones. What might this look like for you? Who are the people in your life that provide refuge and support? How might you design your life and spaces to support the new you?